Whether you met them on Tinder, met them through a friend, already knew them or they’re a randomer mailing you on Facebook (it happens) – you’re going to dread the first date. It doesn’t matter what the situation, first dates are often terrible and are never like what you see in the movies. First of all, ain’t nobody gonna climb up a ferris wheel at the local fair to ask your ass out. We don’t even have a local fair so you can get that idea out of your head. What you might get is a Facebook mail or a text message, or if they have the mentality of a fifteen-year-old a “will you go out with my mate” might pop up from time to time. Christ!
First dates are like an interview and you’re just hoping you’ll get the job…… or at least they are (no pun intended).
So you’ve agreed to go on the date and as the time draws near you begin thinking of all the reasons you shouldn’t go. Because naturally you would rather be forever alone than face the possibility of an awkward few hours. Your head is filled with ridiculous “What If’s”.
“What if… you get Catfished and they look nothing like their picture?” A common worry amongst Tinder users. Some people just take a good photo and know how to work a good angle. Also, there are no Instagram filters in real life. Just saying.
“What if… you have nothing in common?” You’re glorious, they’re glorious and together you would make the ultimate, glorious couple but they’re big into raves and pills, and well your idea of a Friday night is a cup of tea and a few biscuits. Not ideal.
“What if… they have a really annoying accent or are really loud?” Another issue for Tinder enthusiasts, especially when you’ve only chatted to them through text.
**You** So where are you from?
You think – “ah sure maybe their accent won’t be that strong”. So you go along on the date anyway. 10 minutes in you’re driven demented listening to them tell you how “The aul Dublin weather is a greaaat bitta craic so it is, back down in Caaaaark mammy saays it’s millen outta the hevins “ Oh Lord.
“What if… other people in the restaurant/bar realise you’re on a first date and stare at you with pity for the entirety?” You’ve done it to people enough times to know it happens. Deal with it.
“What if… they are not the one?” Calm down crazy, it’s a first date not an arranged marriage.
Tips For The Big Night
1. Have a Getaway Plan – Have that message ready to send in case it’s seriously terrible and you need to bail. Get your friend to call you and say the usual “something terrible has happened” line. Works like a charm.
2. DO NOT Talk About Your Ex – This is a given. Don’t go on a date with someone if your’e going to sit there and talk about all the lovely things you and John did together. Listen, if John was so lovely you’d still be with him now. And if they start talking about their ex… tune out and just wait for the night to end, because fast forward a few days and you’ll be at the receiving end of a “sorry I can’t take you out again it’s just I sorta got back with my ex” text’. How does someone ‘sorta’ get back with their ex? Baffling stuff altogether.
3. Payment – “All the women who independent” and all that but inevitably they want to pay because they are the man blah blaaah blah. What you want here is for them to offer to pay, you to offer half and then the awkward “ah stop, don’t be silly” back and forth money pushing starts. Just let them pay if it will shut them up.
4. Get Drunk – It has to be done. Ideally, don’t go the cinema and if you’re meeting them for drinks – predrink, alone if you must. Another option is to arrive at the bar before they do and drink with the barman. Then at least if you get stood up, you’re drunk and you’ve made a new friend. You’ve had worse evenings sure.
5. The Awkward Hug/Kiss – By far the worst part of any first date. It’s so awkward you actually just want to die. Eventually it has to end. All you can do is just hope you are drunk enough to deal with the fact that if they go in for a kiss and you go in for a hug – a weird kiss on the ear/head bumping scenario WILL ensue. Gawwwwwd the awkwardness.
50 Shades of Grey Area
Is it a date? Is it not a date? Was the word date used? Is it more of a ‘ friendly hang out’? Such a grey area.
Let’s be honest, if some random person is mailing you on Facebook asking you to go for a drink, you can pretty much assume they are either trying to date you….. or murder you, let’s just hope it’s the former. So just go with it and see what happens. If it’s absolutely awful at least you have a funny story to tell your friends.